heyyy this is my cozy little journal corner on the web 🌙 i’m naz and i build robots & dreams. stay a while.
I have officially a blog now and it is super cuter (i know you have eyes and probably wondered the same). I wonder when I am able to add my pictures.
I am so against working everyday. What is the meaning of this endless cycle?
I want to taste the sweetness of my life like how I taste my chocolate. How can I do this?
I have tried numerous ideas and theories and I’m still on the journey. The key factors I have learned are:
✧ Make it personal using your creative side to help you design the life you have dreamed of.
✧ New things, don’t be afraid to shake things up. The mystery of solving how the formula works will excite you.
✧ Not giving up and documenting your process. Fight your inner demons by staying consistent.
✧ Landmarks and resets! I have small ones daily and weekly checkpoints too.
✧ Systems aren’t my favorite thing, but I can make them fun and weird in my own way.
✧ Hobbies? Talents? Distractions? Know your quirks. Mine is this blog.
✧ I write stories every week to cope and celebrate. It's giving ✨storyteller bot queen✨.
✧ Prep + plan. Even lazy geniuses need blueprints.
8 hours. That’s all you need. Then sleep, scroll, or dream. But show up for you first.
I feel awful. i have yet to submit an assignment this year am i failing? no im not failing, this is the beginning of my scene that i am setting.
i went out rolled up weed in my pocket inside my jacket. i try smoking it but nothing really happens because i already bit into the filter. i bite my jaw shut when i am afraid. im afraid that i'll lose my freedom by smoking this grass. which i had done the past year. i want to blame the weed but it isn't that. i tried everything in the book to learn about myself. i want this lifestyle. i need this. how could i be so dense? well i am not. im just blinded, by the time. i mean i can calculate it perfectly. but im unaware the huge leakage there is in my time perception. if i just give away 8 hours of my day without weed surely i'd be alright right? i hate that i can't watch my movie and do the assignment (it just dawned on me that i could listen to reddit scary stories and do them) i like my grass.
i feel sad
i think im single now back to square one. atleast it was long distance. so i can act like it never happened. i wish it never happened. i showed a side of me i promised not to. all men are really rats. they come and get a piece of you until they full of it and go wander somewhere else to get another piece of bit. anyways i feel numb i think i feel sad but this is perfect. i have an exam in 3 days. i will ace it. what a fool i was thinking i needed a rat in my life.
thinking ....
Days aren’t really days for me. I’ve come to learn they’re cycles.
It’s an endless, repeating loop—not days. “Days” are too long for me.
I’m not afraid to die early.
What confuses me is why anyone would want to live a long life.
Another thing:
I’m afraid to die with debt in my name,
and with the fact that I haven’t achieved my dream of becoming a robotics designer.
So there I was, retwisting my hair at 9 p.m.
I wanted to cook. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to clean my room—
but mostly, I wanted it squeaky clean.
Now don’t get me wrong—I had done something that day.
I woke up at 7 a.m. sharp, and until 11, I practiced my assignment.
I did it in brief moments, barely reading it back,
because it bored me to death.
Doing something you don’t understand is just… boring.
As I was thinking about how I’d clean my room,
it hit me—I’m a second-year university student.
I have all the resources I need.
What I don’t have is a clear vision of myself.
The version I can see right now? Dull.
She’s not the same woman who once had great ambitions.
That’s because I’m afraid—
Afraid of myself.
Now that I have full control of myself,
I’m afraid to try.
Afraid to fail.
Afraid to find out I’m the dumb loser I fear I am.
But I’m not.
I am smart.
My identity is stronger than most.
It’s resilient—like my mind.
Defiant.
Not loud, but graceful.
Not showy, but unshakable.
No, I don’t resent my parents.
But asking for forgiveness just to ease your own shame
From an almost-healed adult
Is one of the most shameful things you could do.
And after all that—this whirlwind of thought that took just seconds—
An amazing idea came to me:
I don’t need to clean my room.
I could design a robot to do it.
And add that to my portfolio.
It doesn’t need to be perfect.
I’ll start with a prototype in Gazebo—
The same simulation platform we use at university.
My first prototype:
A robot that picks up trash and takes it to the bin.
Then I’ll add clothing recognition,
So it can locate laundry baskets.
And so on.
I am off my medication — hence why I only slept for 4 hours in my last 24.
My mind won’t stop racing.
Nine different concepts in the span of 1 to 5 seconds.
Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein.
— my brain rejects rest, it’s allergic to silence,
I believe it is racing against time.
It is my most powerful engine —
more than my body can handle.
Ideas pelt me —
hail against my skin, each drop sinks deeper.
I am afraid that I might disappoint myself.
— Invisible bruises
— my feelings are invisible too.
So, I sat there feeling the hail drench my portrait,
making it almost impossible to recognise now.
My engine — how do I harness you?
You’re my hero, my knight and sword, you’re my saviour.
Who have I become?
I don’t know the person in the portrait — it’s not a stranger,
but I have never met them before.
I claim the right to harness you.
I got musi back, its working again which is nice.
i love listing to subliminals -in a way it assures me im going to be on track
no matter what situation i am in, i know i programmed my brain to react a certain way.
i think im starting to love my peace, when my bank closed i was scared but i was also happy, why? - you may ask?
well i can proof myself that everything is expendable, how to be prepared when i don't have online banking anymore -better to find out when you already have not so money.
one amazing thing that i learned from law of attraction is everything can be bended with your believe system. -keeping your mind and brain clean and healthy is a crucial first step to this.
